alwaysimpure | Hogwarts, Hogwarts, Hoggy Warty Hogwarts

"I'd love to see this." Remus smirked, leaned back and tried to pick the most awkward topic for him to act out. The dreaded one that lingered on the essay specs for next semester, the subject he wanted the least. "The International Warlock Convention of 1289. Show me, oh wise one, how that all went down." He wished he had more chocolate frogs for this, it was going to be a show.

Remus wasn't even entirely sure what happened there, he just knew it was likely boring and probably not going to make a fun essay topic.

"All right, all right. Let me get into the spirit. 1289. I can't remember the last time I took a bath. Yesterday I saw a woman's ankle and I'm still not over it. She had the loveliest warts. No indoor plumbing, so whenever I last pooped, I had to vanish it." Sirius made a face. Ugh, medieval times were gross. But no, he had to do this. "I bet I didn't even wash my hands after. And now I'm sitting around with all these other blokes. I have a beard. Everyone had a beard back then. I'm telling you, when I was little I just assumed men didn't have lower faces until modern times, because you couldn't see any in their portraits hanging in our house."

He pulled another face, then ran all ten fingers through his hair. "What are we trying to decide? So many things. Legality of dragon eggs. Whether witches should be allowed to carry wands. For the record, we all decide that, no, they shouldn't, but then as soon as we get home, our wives hex us and the next day we reverse the decision and, I assume, don't get any for at least a month. True story. Something, something... Right! Floo powder! Invented by, whatherface... Ignatia Wildsmith. Merlin, what a name. Anyway, the rules regarding its use, they were decided. It was invented a while prior, but, ironically, news didn't travel that fast."

"Charming era, isn't it?" He was impressed, honestly. Sirius painted quite a disgustingly accurate picture. Or as much as he assumed was accurate. He laughed, amused and trying to actually remember some of the names and stuff cause it was likely all true. Except the hexing... maybe. He wasn't so sure, he'd seen his mom scare the hell out of his dad before, all for forgetting not to walk his shoes into the house.

"All right, so, Floo powder is the hottest new thing, witches get wands and your beard is so long, you could trip over it. Gotcha, learning so much. Anything else or did they just sit around bitching about their wives?" Cause he knew old men, they usually did that or nap.

"Witches already had wands, that was the issue. If anything, we should have outlawed them before they got them, because otherwise you rely on a bunch of witches just handing their wands over because our bearded blokes tell them to." Sirius laughed, shaking his head. "It's funny, because witches always had the same rights as wizards anyway, but this was before the Statute of Secrecy, obviously, so every now and then some muggle influence would carry over. That's why they even had a meeting of just wizards, I imagine."

With a frown, he leaned back on his elbows, thinking. "There was some really, truly, awfully boring stuff about that witch who used invisible ink to write down her theorems. Like, sure, do that if you are inventing powerful spells and curses, but she was just the first one to talk about how magical the number seven is. Bridget Wenlock, that's the one. Wrote a whole thing about it in her invisible ink, then forgot she had written it on that and wrote a letter to her... I want to say nephew? Cousin? Something like that! On the same paper. That wasn't discovered until after she'd died, so at some point during this boring meeting, they just authenticated that as hers. Then everyone could have fun with numbers."

Sirius rolled his eyes. "Really, the important thing to take away from this is that everything important was done by women and we just tried taking away their wands. So, in conclusion, everyone present must have had a small cock."

He nodded to his ending words, then bowed a little before looking at Remus. "Learn something?"

"Cor, blimey! That was a riveting journey through time. I got chills, mate." Eagerly, Remus clapped his hand and picked a flower from the ground, tossing it at Sirius to congratulate him on his stunning performance of that boring historical event. And hey, it was probably pretty accurate, to be fair. "Why are men always so bleeding thick? Like, I get it, women can be a lot but why do they always think pissing them off is going to solve the issue? My dad always says to give a woman what she wants and you'll have a happy home."

And Remus believed that so he did everything his mom asked. Even if she asked stupid stuff like folding his socks and doing his bed up every morning.

"Speaking of pissing women off, is that where James is? Chasing around Lily again, is he?" The last time he saw James, he was working on his next grand display to secure his date to the winter ball. Good luck to him, is all Remus could say. He didn't stand a chance.

"Not at all," Sirius said, while decorating himself with the flower that had been tossed his way, lovingly tucking it behind his ear, "He's in detention, the reckless... rascal." He nodded, deciding that, yes, that was what he wanted to go with. "Although you are right in the roundabout way, because him and Peter ended up in detention because of them sneaking into Lily's Arithmancy class and stealthily delivering another invite to the winter ball. If you think it's stealthy to break out into a heartfelt song, anyway."

Whatever, he'd defend his friend's stealth even if it was non-existent. "Do you have one yet, by the way? Date for the winter ball."

Remus burst into laughter and shook his head, grinning in amusement. "Not a chance. I'm flying as solo as I always fly. No girl is gonna want to go with me and I don't fancy putting any of them in the sad position to reject me. That ain't right. I'm a gentlemen, I'll die alone without bothering them."

It wasn't that he felt it was entirely hopeless to get a date but usually when girls got interested, they were interested cause they couldn't get James or Sirius so they settled for him. He was the 'other one' ... which was better than what Peter had - he was the ugly one so, you know, could be worse.

"I'm going exclusively to watch James strike out with Lily. Otherwise, I wouldn't bother going." And that suited him just fine.

"That's the point of it. Although I've already thought up some ways to mae it more interesting, have to cheer up James after he's going to end up going with... Whoever knows, someone not Lily, exclusively to make Lily jealous, which is not going to work and probably get him slapped by at least one girl." It was like watching a man run towards a clip. Sirius would stop him, but he knew there was no way to do that, so why not have fun instead?

"I don't have a date either. Though you could totally get a date if you wanted." Sirius narrowed his eyes, looking Remus over critically. "If I was a bird, I'd be all over you."

"No way. If you were a bird, you'd be out of my league. Out of every boys league. You'd date a bloke like James and then God help us all." He did not fancy that couple at all, the chaos it'd bring. Luckily, even if Sirius was a girl, he doubted anyone could pull James away from his true love - the one and only, Lily. Though he might have used girl-Sirius to make her jealous. Now there was a soap opera plot. "Girls like a handsome, strong sorta bloke who's all cleaned up and proper. I'm not that kind of boy."

He was scraggly and scruffy, he was thin and gangly, he didn't dress up nice and he could never be as clean as Sirius cause seriously, looked like a lot of effort. He brushed his teeth and showered, that was enough. "Besides, I don't wanna date. It's ... complicated."

Cause sooner or later, he'd have to tell her and that was impossible.

Sirius hummed in vague agreement of the last words Remus said, then he moved, stretched out and put his head on Remus' lap. He felt he needed a pillow and Remus was right there. Looking up at him, he frowned. "Don't you tell me what kind of bird I'd be. I'd be smart, I'd be all about the true virtues, so you'd be my crush. Just admiring you from afar, hoping you'll notice me, with your--"

He frowned. "Chocolate brown eyes?" Well, better than other ways to describe brown, he supposed. "Or more like honey. Caramel? Merlin, I really need more snacks, before I lick you."

"I would have described them as stagnant mud puddles but then, I'm not as peckish as you are." Remus rolled his eyes and reached down to flick Sirius on the forehead. "You'd admire no one from afar, girl or boy. You're very seize the day, you and James would already have written a whole collection of songs for me and released some birds in the canteen with ribbons and confetti. I'd have been truly honoured."

It was a weird feeling, like butterflies or nerves. Whenever Sirius got this close, his chest tingled and he wanted to just -- get closer to somehow. It was weird. Part of him wished... if only Sirius was a girl but that was a weird thought. He shoved it aside and tried not to overthink it. "You wanna go and grab food? I got a bit of change. I'll treat you."

"Let's go. You've studied enough for today anyway. Although, that bookish streak? Truly attractive." Sirius nodded wisely. "We should get you a pair of glasses, really sell the bit. You don't wanna look at anyone's knockers, just your books. It's romantic, innit?" Something like that, anyway.

"A lot better than that time Lily wore a bikini and James said hello to her breasts."

"Don't give me glasses, I'd look like a total loser. Only guys like James pull off glasses cause he's got the whole jock thing, balances well with the glasses look. Put glasses on a scrawny soul like me and you're slapping a target on my poor back." Remus hauled himself up and shook his head, giving Sirius an amused grin. "Ah yes, the infamous breast conversation. How could anyone forget? Glasses didn't save him that day, did they?"

He accidentally called Sirius his 'breast' friend and got slapped not long after for staring. Stupid bastard. "You know who'd look positively dashing in glasses? Peter. I think it could be a new look for him. Make him look less like a potato and more like... an intelligent potato."

Edited 2019-12-03 11:29 (UTC)

"Everyone likes a smart potato, you have a point. Now we just need to make his eyes go bad. Or have James suggest it once, he'll do it." It was a shame, really, that Peter wasn't as ready to follow Sirius' suggestions. Or maybe it was very good and healthy for Peter, because as a general rule, Sirius didn't believe in holding back.

"Do you think I'd have big breasts? Girl me. I think so. I'd play with them all the time. Don't know why girls don't do it more." Seemed fun to him.

"All James has got to do is so much as hint and he'd do it the next day. It's a worrying thing, that. Far too much power for one man, that's how you end up in detention." He supposed Peter was happy and James didn't overly abuse his power. Much. Sometimes, sure, but Remus didn't blame him. It was tempting.

Looking at Sirius, he raised an eyebrow, thrown by that question. "I-- I dunno. Not sure what makes 'em big, if I'm honest. I'd say big enough, I suppose." Hard to say, he couldn't really picture Sirius as a woman. Him as a bloke was too cemented in his head. He was already beautiful enough, already had long hair and a slender figure. Stupid, hot bastard. "Bigger than mine, probably. Might be smaller than James. If we were all birds, of course."

"True, true." Sirius nodded and then sighed wistfully, as he threw an arm across Remus' shoulder, declaring loudly, "How I wish I could nuzzle James' ample bosom."

Some girls they were passing in the hallway had been giggling, but now they just gaped, wondering what the hell they were talking about. Chances were, they'd never find out. Sirius just grinned, well entertained. "What do you fancy in a girl anyway? I still haven't figured that one out. Pretty much begins and ends at 'scandalises my parents', but that's a low bar."

"It's the lowest bar in the world. So low, you'll trip over it." Remus didn't know what his type was, he never really felt much for girls but then, he never really thought about it. To him, dating seemed like such a far off and impossible concept that it didn't even connect as something he could do. Getting close to people had it's risks and he didn't think he could keep it all up like that.

"My ideal date is someone who buys me chocolate." That was about all he could think of. He knew blokes were supposed to buy the chocolates and all but he felt like equality. He wanted chocolate too. "That's about it. I guess I also got a pretty low bar."

"I feel that's fair. Nothing more attractive than chocolate anyway." Especially for Remus, Sirius knew all too well. "I'd buy you a whole castle out of chocolate. You'd have to eat it quickly though, might melt." Perhaps more of a winter project.

"You know, Moony, the right girl isn't gonna care." Sirius wasn't always the most sensitive, but he did sense he should say something about that. "Like us. We don't care." Honestly, they mostly thought it was brilliant. In a way. Having an excuse to sneak out once a month, have such fun? Sirius loved it. Although, of course, he was aware that it was about more than just fun for Remus. He just preferred not to think about that too much.

"I'd like a castle made of chocolate." He wondered if Sirius would do that for him if he was a girl. Was that a weird thought? Maybe. He liked chocolate, he liked his mate ... he felt like it was just trying to get the two to collide and happen.

Looking at Sirius, he smiled and nodded, trying not to think about the fact that whoever married him would always face discrimination. That he'd never have a good job cause of it. His child would probably end up cursed like him, living a miserable life too... he wasn't exactly a winner, as far as husband material went. Still, he didn't want to burst the bubble. He liked that Sirius cared, it made him feel better about it all. "You just like having an excuse to muck about out of hours. I dunno how many birds are gonna want to learn to transform and run around like that when it's pissing it down or cold. It's more of a lad thing, ain't it?"

"I dunno. Depends on the person, I guess. Or you just shack up with a lad, solves all your problems." Well. Not really, but that particular one. "My uncle Alphard has done that. I kind of like him? Which is so weird, always freaks me out when I like a family member."

Perhaps not the usual reaction to liking family, but true enough anyway. "You shouldn't worry so much. Way more people like to break rules than you think. You'll find so many that wanna much about with you at all hours. Just gotta give it a chance. Ooooor, even better, you and me stay bachelors forever. Live in Lily's and James' basement, once he's worn her down. It'll be grand."

"I think it'd give my mom a heart attack if I told her I was shacking up with a bloke." Talk about a dodgy subject in the muggle world. Then again, if she could love him as a wolf, he didn't doubt she'd find a way to love him no matter what. He just didn't want to add more differences and make them more disappointed. He wanted more normalcy, not less. "I think bachelor suits me better. Sounds way cooler too."

He smirked playfully and bumped into Sirius, pretty happy with the idea. "We'd be well fed and looked after. James is minted so we'd never go hungry. He could buy us chocolate frogs all the time." Well, a boy could dream. "Lily would learn to love us."

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